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September 06, 2005
sucks to be me
I had a post all written up last week where I told a little story about how I nearly lost it with my consulting boss and my onsite boss. A little informal complaint session on my part turned into a full meltdown where i yelled and had to get a lot of things off my chest. I ended up not completing my story about that because things seemed to look up and, with the three day weekend, I was content to try and enjoy 3 days without worrying about work at all (and luckily work cooperated with that)
then I get a call today (well actually it came to the house, so Jenn took it) telling me that I would not be offered a job that I have been interviewing for (I won't mention where).
Now everything seems grey and gloomy again.
Not that I would have taken the job. It was still even money, at least in my head, depending on how much they would offer, along with the hours requirements. If there's one thing I really want right now, its to do something as close to 9-5 as possible. But at the same time, finally finding out, after a few rounds of interviews, that a door has been closed to me is very discouraging.
And herein lies the crux of my problem.
I may have 9 years of experience in my chosen field. I may be a very quick learner. I may even be considered as being very good at what I do.
But I do not have a degree in this field. And I also have low self-esteem, and a pattern of not handling failure very well. This is a bad mix. While it does drive me in some sense to continually prove myself, it is also the same thing that gets me taken advantage of, because deep down, I don't feel that I am fully qualified for what I do. I may know that I am, but I don't feel I am. And that makes a difference when I negotiate things like my salary and when I walk into job interviews. I present myself well, but I always feel like I have to compensate for that perceived gap.
And also, having low self-esteem means you fly high when things are going well, but you tend to crash when your house of cards comes tumbling down. It was great when I first heard about this job opp. It was brought to my attention by someone who had worked with me in the past, so it was nice to know that I had enough of a reputation that he would think to talk to me about this. But ultimately, it wasn't enough to get me the job, and now it doesn't mean jack that he liked me since I didn't get the offer.
I guess the most discouraging thing at this point, is that this opp was actually a bright spot in my day, because of the crap I am currently dealing with. Now I no longer have that to look forward to as a possible way out. Are there other ways out? Sure, but who can say if I will be met with the same type of rejection?
This sucks.
Posted by spoof747 at September 6, 2005 10:56 PM
Comments
Joel, I guess you keep this posting here as a reminder of what you're thinking/feeling when you're down.
Don't sweat it, it's just a job. If it really is a chosen (by you) field then you're just focusing on the short term. If you really are doing what you want, then long term it should be a blip.
But I guess this is me talking to the Joel of Sept 2005.
Posted by: SomeRandomGuyFromThePast at November 15, 2007 07:04 AM