« baseball | Main | Daddy's list of tricks to make Naomi smile »
October 02, 2005
musings on missing my daughter
So 2 weeks ago, for the first time, I missed a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Yet I'm somewhat glad that I didn't end up going. Not because work yet again screwed up my true priorities, but because this was the second time that Naomi was going in for her immunization shots.
And the first time was, for those few minutes, heart-rending. Actually she had 1 shot the first time, when she was less than a month old. She took that shot, let out one cry, and then stopped. We were surprised, and figured, "Cool, we have ourselves a tough girl." Only to find out later that due to the immature nervous systems of infants at that age, their pain receptors aren't really sending it out full-force, so they can shrug it off.
Not so with the 2 month appointment. That was the first time she had to get 4 shots. Jenn and I brought Naomi over to the table where they do this, and she was being her normal pleasant self. The nurse instructed us to hold her down. The first shot came and Naomi screamed which resolved itself into a cry. Then came the others, in a squick a succcesion as the nurse could make it. But each time, in increasing volume, she let out a cry/scream, and was looking straight into our faces as if to say, "Why are you doing this to me?" And she started making attempts to get out of our grasp, to avoid whatever was causing her pain. Both Jenn and I were nearly in tears at the end of it, which is why I'm somewhat glad that I wasn't able to go this time. Although Jenn did say that Naomi was a trooper and didn't really even cry this time.
There's something about *your* baby crying that makes all the difference in the world. I remember early on, when we were at a gathering where there were a few babies, and I heard a cry and became alert, only to find out it wasn't our baby. Flash forward to 2 weekends ago at Sueanna's birthday. 4 babies present. I could pick out everytime I heard Naomi cry, everytime she started talking to someone. It made me realize how attuned to her I am now.
Unfortunately I can't say the same for her. Due to the nature of work lately, I have spent nearly a month coming home after she has fallen asleep, while Jenn has spent every day with her. Not surprisingly, she can recognize her mother. She will smile when she hears her voice, she will get excited when she sees her walk by. While I like to think that she at least recognizes me more than say, her grandparents or some of our other friends who see her frequently, I still have to work to get her to notice me. And when she's upset, mom is the only person who can calm her down. There's been quite a few cases now where I've tried every thing I know to do when she is crying and all its done is make her cry louder and louder. Then if I had her over to Jenn, it stops. Immediately. I don't want to be *that* kind of father. I don't want to be only that guy who comes home late because he pays the bills. The books seem to say that babies go through stages where they favor one parent and then another. While I don't begrudge Jenn our daughter's affection (or rather, dependence), I'm looking forward to the time when she'll feel that way towards me too.
A lot of people ask if I want her to be "Daddy's little girl". I'm not sure what that means. Does that mean she has to be a tomboy? Does she have to like sports? I think I'll just be happy when I hear a little girl barreling down the hallway when I open the door after a day of work, shouting "Daddy" and wrapping my legs into a hug. Until then, I live for the moments when I can make her smile, or laugh, or chatter with me good-naturedly. That's what tells me that she's happy, and there's very little that is more important to me in the entire world at this time.
Posted by spoof747 at October 2, 2005 01:59 PM
Comments
Joel, no worries..you're a good father + husband. Hope the family is doing well.
Posted by: baconandeggs at October 3, 2005 12:24 PM