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November 18, 2005
funeral process
not sure who really is interested in hearing about this, but it helps me work through what i'm feeling right now. So here goes:
We held the funeral for my grandma on Monday. we laid her to rest beside my grandfather up at Sunset View Cemetary in Albany. The service was approximately an hour long. My dad spoke, and both my sister and I spoke. She hates to speak publicly, but she actually has very good "stage" presence. She speaks from the heart and people respond to that. She shared some of her good memories about grandma and got a good chuckle out of people attending. what I had in mind was a little different. I actually chose not to write anything down and to just speak off the cuff. What came out, according to Jenn, was apparently something along the lines of a expression of guilt. Basically, I expressed that I should have visited her more often and I wanted to tell people to let their loved ones know about how they feel more often. Apparently the first message came across more strongly than the latter.
then came the viewing, which as i said, was actually the first time i've seen her in nearly two weeks. i was fairly ok with everyone coming up to view and consoling us on the way out. i was NOT ok when i went to see her. i completely broke down. the next thing i know was that i had two people grabbing my arms and trying to pull me away from the casket. Something about needing to go away.
"Leave me alone."
"Listen to your aunt blah blah blah"
"LEAVE. ME. ALONE."
Apparently it is a Chinese superstition that you are not supposed to watch as a casket is closed. I, of course, only wanted time to grieve and to say good-bye to my grandmother. To my eternal gratitute, Jenn came to my defense and told everyone to just give me a little time. Of course, no time is ever enough time for something like that, so I dried my tears long enough to say a silent "Adieu" to her.
Then we headed out to the plot, but not before I already received plenty of advice which I simplified to "Don't feel how you're feeling" I got a little bit of "Let it out", a dash of "Don't feel guilty" with a sprinkling of "Guilt is the Enemy trying to get in" (that would be the Religious Aunt with a capital R). It was actually a beautiful location. (You could actually see the shimmering waters of the Bay all the way out to the Golden Gate). No sooner did I get out of my car did my sister tell me to apologize to my aunt (one of the people who was pulling me away) for my rude tone earlier. While I was angry at her for even suggesting that I needed to do so, I unerstood that I shouldn't leave things as is, especially since auntie was from New York and leaving that night. I didn't want anything to fester, so I took care of it. At the same time, I'm still pissed because I feel like everyone expects me to be ok sooner than I will be. This is the woman who raised me, babysat me, all the way from when I was a 1st grader to when I left for college.
After the burial came the meal provided by us (yet another Chinese tradition). That was ok, but the advice kept rolling in. I'm just too tired and drained to fight it, so I gritted my teeth, smiled, and nodded to whomever was talking to me.
And the next day, sure enough, I get a call from my dad. "Hey, are you ok?" A few hours after that, I get a call from my sister back out in VA, "Are you ok?" I love my family, but c'mon. Mind you, I was back at work. What am I supposed to say? No? What would a No do? I know all the reasons why I'm supposed to be ok -- all the platitudes, the cliches, all of it. someone even dropped on me the "a better place" line on me (our church chinese pastor). i do appreciate Gregg for going the extra mile. he told me he still might not even be over the passing of his grandmother 9 years ago, and still feels some of what i feel. see, now that i can appreciate, because he shared with me. And not some pithy "it will be ok" thing.
yes at some point, i'm not going to feel the way i do right now, but i don't know when that's going to happen, and its not going to happen any faster if i'm told, "she's gone to a better place" a million times. i appreciate everyone's intentions, but its just a little raw right now.
Posted by spoof747 at November 18, 2005 02:36 AM
Comments
Again, I'm deeply sorry for the loss in your family. You are very fortunate to have known your grandparents. I only met my mother's parents once when I was very young. I sort of knew my father's parents but they spoke no English and I no Korean, so we never communicated. All of my grandparents have already passed and I feel this void that can never be filled. I know you, and you will be fine. These things, they become a part of you and shape who you are. You in particular never forget these things.
Posted by: DK at November 21, 2005 03:37 AM